How To

The 2011 Christmas List! (Part One)

December is upon us, friends! And you know what that means!!!

Unabashed materialism and gift-giving! America!

I’ve already got the gift for my Mah, Brah, and a few choice others picked out, but i’m sure they’re having a hard time figuring out what to buy me.

Let me make it easy for you.

Without further ado, The 2011 Christmas List!!!

1. The Nokona WF-1200C 12 Inch Walnut Softball Glove

The 12-inch. Not the Buckaroo. Not the Kangaroo. The Walnut. From Nokona. What’s more American than that?

2. The Toshiba Canvio 3.0 500GB External Hard Drive

Because 8MB images from the Nikon are rapidly eating my MacBook’s drive.

3. This Rotation

Wilson, Garza, Darvish, Feliz, Harrison, Holland.

Pick your Favorite Five.

4. Portal 2

Because I am both intelligent and intrigued by puzzles.

5. The Nikon 50mm f/1.8D Nikkor Lens

Ready for your close-up?

That’s all I have for right now.

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The Most Epic Hot Wheels Track of All-Time

Words cannot describe the brutality of that track.

I figure that the video probably needed a couple takes (obviously), but I’d imagine they had to film several scenes multiple times because there’s no way that car stayed on the track the whole time. Either way, pretty damn great.


Fantasy Football Preview 2011!!!

Welcome!!!

Another year, another Fantasy Football league. Last year’s league, the 2010 Fantasy Football World Cup, is now viewed by many as a debacle. With Kickoff Return Points, 12 teams, expanded rosters, and the near-reality of having a slot for Head Coaches and Defensive Players, the league nearly floundered before it even started. Justin Golson threatened to leave the league, and held out for several days, like some big-headed, white-skinned version of Chris Johnson, and the league struggled with selection of franchises like never before. Reid Golson and his “Canadian Clit Commanders” were an average team on the field, but their name made fans and owners alike gag for weeks. Clayton Coots, although having a cool team name (The New Mombasa Lightning Cats), were a horrid team on the field. Team rosters were odd, with players like Deji Kareem and LaRod Stephens-Howling reserving rosters spots because of their kickoff return ability, and it was a constant struggle to keep up with the constant churning of the Free Agency Pool. But, despite all this, a Fantasy Super Bowl Champion was indeed crowned. Brandon Coots, and his historic franchise, The Tokyo Future, finally claimed their first league title. On the backs of Aaron Rogers, Arian Foster, and Miles Austin, the Future indeed became inevitable.
But, 2010 has passed.
It is now 2011, and a new crop of challengers awaits the chance to harness Fantasy Glory. From the Space State of Lusaka, Marty McBurney’s Centroids are looking to upset the balance of power in the league, while old favorites like the Gridiron Warriors, Locksley Robins, and Mississippi Mudcats look to build upon their already significant dynasties. David Bauerkemper once again returns to the league with a topical name, this time alluding to his impending wedding; yes, the Hitched Home-Starters are looking to put other teams on lockdown this season. Dylan Mahanay typically masks his years of futility with a new name every year, and 2010 is no different; this time he calls his squad McRae’s Dragoon, a clever reference to the greatest Western ever produced. Hopefully you do not suffer the same fate as your namesake. After having relocated from the now-desolate Thomaskirke, the newly-christened Leipzig Running Bachs are looking to take the league by musical storm. The Adelaide Dingoes also return, somehow defying the fact that their GM and Owner has no internet connection. Brandt Self, a familiar face in the league, has also bought a new team this year, but other, apparently more important obligations have kept him from giving his franchise a name as of this writing. Perhaps the Lewisville Procrastinators? Maybe the B&B Off-Roads? Or, to be topical, the Texas Wildfires? No matter what name is decided upon, there will certainly be one obstacle in the path to Glory. The World Champion Tokyo Future, franchise of unparalleled glory and success, currently holds the belt, and is looking to repeat for the first time in League History. But, not even the Future is untouchable; last year’s imperfections call have called into question the Future’s successes, and many wonder if the Future would have won at all, had there been no Kickoff Return Points. Although some claim their legacy is tainted, the Future maintain their position that, “The Future is, in fact, Inevitable.”
No matter the outcome of the League, a few things are certain: Fantasy Football is easier than Fantasy Baseball. Fact. And also, the rigors of last season have left this year’s league diminished: there are now only 10 teams, and to avoid controversy, scoring is now FULLY ESPN Standard. No craziness here. And one final thing is true: The winner of this year’s league will become an unquestioned hero in the annals of league history, because no other year has been as pure, with such a devoted base of GM’s and Owners, and so straightforward a set of rules. 2011 will truly be the Year of the Champion.
That being said, it would be appropriate to examine the chances of each team, and analyze their chances. We’ll start with the defending champs:

For the Full article and Team Previews, click Here!!!


My Heart WILL Go On

From the good folks down Ingleside-way.

Yep. That. Just. Happened.



Clay Matthews Commercial (No, Not THAT One)

Clay Matthews, Green Bay Packers Linebacker and old friend of the site, has a new commercial out. Although this one has nothing to do with childhood diseases, he DOES blow some shit up.



Wow.

So, so funny. I love how he starts running at the mom while still talking. THIS is the EXACT mentality that I imagined him with when I made my original Clay Matthews commercial. He care about one thing, and one thing only: blowin’ shit up.

And try as they might, no offense is going to fool him. Why, because he just assumes that EVERYTHING is an offense.

Classic commercial.


Visors! For Everyone!

I don’t think that I should be the only person with the power to give things visors, so in an effort to spread the wealth, I’m giving away free Visors.

Click on this image, and then save it.

Now, go to Pixlr.com/editor, open up the image of the visor and an image of a famous person (preferably looking slightly to their right, your left), and here’s what you do:

1. Select the Magic Wand tool from the bar. First Column, Third Down. It’s purple.
2. Select the white area around the visor.
3. Click Edit > Invert Selection. You now have just the visor selected.
4. Click Edit > Copy.
5. Click over to the image of the famous person that you opened up earlier.
6. Click Edit > Paste.
7. Click Edit > Free Transform, and play around with the dimensions of the visor. Make it bigger, smaller, or spin it.

Note: To keep the visor the same proportions while Transforming it, hold down the shift key.
Note: To Flip it, click Layer > Flip Horizontal, or Layer > Flip Vertical.
Note: To make it Black & White, click Adjustment > Hue & Saturation, and take the Saturation to 0.

Go nuts, folks! I’ll put ’em all on the blog! Email me at Electronicwarriorpoet@gmail.com!!!