Fantasy Football: Week 1 Newsletter!
Week One is complete!
After an offseason plagued by lockouts, injuries, deaths, and bad-smelling farts, the 2011 NFL season is finally underway! And, it was quite an interesting first week. Despite the new kickoff rules, widely figured to cause more touchbacks, there were multiple kickoffs returned for TD’s. Tom Brady threw for 517 yards in week one, only one of three occasions in history when a QB has thrown for 500 yards and 4 TD’s. And, speaking of history, Sebastian Janikowski tied his own NFL record with a 63-yard FG on Monday Night Football. Pretty Epic.
Also epic: our Fantasy Football league’s first week. There were some ups, some downs, some surprises, and of course, some total let-downs. Let’s examine the matchups:
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The Tokyo Future vs. McRae’s Dragoon
“I’m going to take your brother out behind the woodshed and beat his ass like a red-headed black child.” That’s what the GM of the Future said to fellow GM Garrett Mahanay last week when the discussed their matchups. And yes, the Future did in fact win the game, it was a much closer battle than expected. Mike Tolbert, human bowling ball extraordinaire and former Tokyo Future prospect, scored 3 TD’s for the Dragoon, and Miles Austin and Michael Turner both had strong performances. Dragoon QB Matt “Castle” Cassel came up a bit short though, throwing for only 119 yards, with one TD and one INT. But, with the game being decided primarily on Monday Night, the assholes of both GM’s remained tense throughout the evening, especially when Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski made it hail footballs with his Strong Leg. But, despite these noble performances, the Dragoon just couldn’t stop the Future Train from gettin’ rollin’. Thomas Brady, the Quarterback of the Future and reigning NFL MVP, summoned a football storm on Monday night with his Thor-esque powers and tuned up the Dolphins defense for 517 yards, 4 TD’s, and one INT (which was a tipped ball…psh). Megatron Johnson caught some Stafford-balls, two of which were scored as TD’s. With a last-minute replacement of Shonn Green for Tim “You’re My” Hightower, the Future added an additional 13 points to their total when Hightower violently crashed through the G-Men Defense.
Final Score: 106 – 89
Future GM Brandon Coots claims that Hightower is his late-round gem this year, and having snagged Arian “Brotherhood” Foster in the 5th round of last years draft, Mr. Coots knows a thing or two about late-round gems. The Dragoon is really aching for some strong QB play, and would love to have Peyton Manning come back in the near future, but it just doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. So, Cassel it is. Or is it?
The Tokyo Future receives this week’s “Arrogant, Smug Bastard Award,” which is given weekly to bastards who are smug and arrogant about winning. McRae’s Dragoon wins the “One More Win Gets You to .500 Award for Exceptional Mediocrity.”
Mississippi Mudcats vs. Locksley Robins
Two storied franchises, but there could only be one victor. And, that victor was the Robins. Definitely. Robins GM Garrett M. drafted Arian Foster high, only to have him out during the first week, but in an inspired move, Garrett acquired Foster’s highly-touted backup Ben Tate, who rushed for 116 yards and a TD. The real story though was the Robin’s platoon of athletic, ball-hawking receivers, Dizzy, Ole’ Greg, and Quan-Quan, who combined for 40 points. Garrett Mahanay loves the platoon concept, as evidenced by his outfield setup in Fantasy baseball, so expect a steady rotation throughout the season. Despite a rare blah performance by Matt Schaub, the Robins scored a mad-decent 97 points in week one. Yes, 97 points, exactly 61 more points than he needed to beat his opponent. That’s right, Phil Jenkins’ Mississippi Mudcats score a shockingly low 35 points. Total. Low chuckles and sideways looks have been the most common reactions when seeing Wild Bill’s score, but the truth is that it’s some kind of statistical anomaly, a cosmic aberration, and surely won’t happen again. Why not? Because there’s NO way that so many things could go wrong again in Week 2. On the opening kickoff of the San Diego Chargers season, veteran kicker Nate Kaeding somehow tore his ACL, and will miss the remainder of the season. The Pittsburgh defense got ripped by the B-More Blackbirds, and accumulated -3 points (possibly NOT an aberration; Steelers are old). The NFL’s most consistent WR, Rowdy Roddy White, was held to only 6 points. And what about the Mudcat’s prized RB stable? Misters Charles, Hillis, and Williams, a RB Oreo if I’ve ever seen one, scored a combined 20 points. Which, of course, counted for 20/35ths (or 4/7ths) of their total points. To put that into perspective, note that the Robins WR’s outscored the entire Mudcats team. Ouch. Better luck in Week 2, Mudcats.
Final Score: 97 – 35
With his QB situation seemingly settled and a bunch of badasses at RB, the Robins look poised for a strong season, but his team must stay healthy. Dez Bryant suffered cramps in Week 1, and had constant injuries in 2010. If Arian Foster can stay healthy and come somewhere in the ballpark of his 2010 campaign, watch out for the Robins. As for the ‘Cats, they’ll do better, but it’s unsure how much better. Of their three starting RB’s, Charles and Hillis have only had one good season so far, so it remains to be seen whether they are one-hit wonders, or the real deal.
The Robins are awarded the Eyebrows of Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World (one raised, one not raised) to commemorate his team’s interesting-ness. The Mississippi Mudcats are awarded the “Hurricane Katrina Award for Excellence in One-Week-Long Disasters.” Award was not “given” to GM Phil Jenkins, but was instead left near a podium in an abandoned Media Room deep below Mudcat Stadium in Biloxi, MS. When contacted, Mr. Jenkins said he’d pick up the award “when he has time.”
Leipzig Running Bachs vs. Adelaide Dingoes
No stranger to Fantasy success, Nevin Nichols’ Running Bachs ran all over the Dingoes this week, much to the chagrin of GM Mark Humphrey. It’s not like Team HUMP didn’t try though…they scored a very respectable 96 points; the problem is, the Running Bachs were the highest scoring team in the league, banging out a whopping 120 points. D-Breezy led the way with a fantastic 28, while Matt Forte wasn’t far behind with 21. Despite playing without Peyton Manning for the first time in his career, Reggie Wayne banged out 16 points, which is great. The biggest story on Nevin’s team though wasn’t anyone on his starting roster…it was one of his bench guys. Rookie QB Cam Newton threw for an NFL Rookie Record 422 pass yards and 2 TDs, good for 29, one better than Super Bowl winner Drew Brees. Hmmmm. That Nevin…what a crafty bastard.
Final Score 120-96
The Dingoes are set for the future if their team stays healthy, but with Michael Vick, Uncle Felix, Reggie Bush, Andre Johnson, and Vernon Davis, that prospect remains elusive. Team Nevin has a great set of starters, but beyond that, his roster is a little thin. We’ll see what it looks like come playoffs.
With BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Maurice Jones-Drew on the team, the Bachs have pulled out the highly coveted, “Most Hyphenated RB Tandem” award. The Centroids win the extremely obvious “Least Hyphenated RB Tandem” award.
Hitched Home-Starters vs. Lusaka Centroids
In a surprise move, the Home-Starters scored the second-highest point total of the week against the Centroids and won the game by a nice little margin. But, the Homies paid dearly for their win, as Rams RB Steven Jackson carried the ball exactly one time (for a TD, mind you) before he pulled his hammy. He’ll be out for a game or two. Worse though, is that Saints WR Marques Colston broke his collar bone and will be out for 4-6 weeks. Ouch. The Homeboys are thin on the bench, so look for GM Davey to be surfing the waiver wire in the near future. The Centroids were led by the explosive Rampage Ray Rice and his 26 point performance, but still came up short though. Better luck next time, champ.
Final Score: 117 – 95
Despite the 95 points, it was probably a down week for the Centroids, who can likely score a lot more if they fire on all cylinders. The Home-Starters are a bit banged up right now, so who knows where they’re going to head in the future. But, if Tony Romo and CJ2K can get it going, they could put together a nice little run.
The “We Literally Gave Everything We’ve Got” award goes to the Home-Starters, while the Centroids garner the esteemed, “One-Hit Wonder” award for RB Ryan Grant.
Gridiron Warriors vs. Red River Ropers
The final game of the week wins the “Ass-Clencher Award,” as it has the smallest margin of victory, with the win eventually going to the Warriors. The Ropers threw up 89, 25 of which came from the officially badass LeSean McCoy, but with mediocre performances from the rest of his squad, GM Brandt Self couldn’t quite muster up enough to tackle Golson’s crew in the open field. The Warriors fired the opening salvo on the NFL’s opening night, with Aaron Rodgers bringing home a sweet 24 points, but with the rest of the team also up-and-down, Golman barely pulled it out.
Final Score: 92 – 89
The Ropers have arguably the best backfield in the league, and if their WRs can keep up, he could have a devastating offense. Eli “Even though my brother is injured, I’m still the second best QB with the last name” Manning will weigh him down though. The Warriors have a bruising RB crew too, but Justin Golson has gone on the record saying he, “doesn’t trust Frank Gore.” Will he be traded soon? Only time will tell.
Like I said, “Ass-Clencher Award.”
I swore on my brother’s future grave that’d I’d have a Newsletter up every Wednesday, and then immediately broke my promise. Eh. Sorry Clay. But, I DO have a good excuse. I was too busy traveling across the country, then meeting a bunch of people I’ve never met before, and then working until 10:00, Pacific Time. So, there’s that. I DID write the first 1,002 words of this on the flight out to Phoenix though, but couldn’t muster the strength to finish it in the hotel room last night. My B. I’ll to better next week!
Good luck in Week 2!!!