Alright, we’re 5 minutes from the start of the Academy Awards, and I’m sitting on my couch, drinking a Miller Lite. I’ve had 4 beers already, so i’ve got a strong buzz going. This is a big night for me, and the first I’ve experienced while running a blog. I’m going to blog my reactions to the show AS THEY HAPPEN, and I’ll be updating this post CONSTANTLY throughout the show.

I’ll also be drinking beer CONSTANTLY throughout the show.

So, here…we…go…


Ok…let’s go commercials. I don’t care what you have to say.

Here we go. Nice little montage here. Very good…setting the tone. Man…these are good movies. Lotta dancing. Love you Jeff Bridges. I’m just gonna say it: INCEPTION is overrated.

God dangit James Franco…you’re hilarious. You too Anne. this is great. ALEC BALDWIN! AMBIEN! BAHSTAN ACCENTS! James Franco in a bear outfit! “I Loved you in Tron!” And…there’s Morgan Freeman.  You DO have a soothing voice, sir. “What’s up?” -Fanco.  And there’s Franco in a unitard, gyrating. Nice ass cheeks. “Please, call me Mr. Baldwin.” So funny. “You just got Inceptioned!”



Jeez…Anne Hathaway is pretty. Right in the face. And Franco’s smile is just precious. He’s playing the stoner role…he’s good at it. Anne Hathaway looks like Hot Chocolate Girl. “I just saw Marky Mark.” Classic. Great year for Lesbians…troof.


Friend texts me, “Hahaha James Franco is so high.”


Art Direction. I didn’t pick a winner here, so it’s whatever. And there’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND winning. Savor the flavor, boys…you’ll get shut out the rest of the night. Awkward speech by the guy…he’s gonna faint, i think.

CINEMATOGRAPHY! Let’s go True Grit!
Shit. 0/1. Disagree. But, Wally Pfister is good at his job. Inception looks good…The Dark Knight was good. I guess i’m ok with this.


Boy…THERE’S a guy who looks and sounds like death. This is awkward. I am seriously considering putting this on mute. Who the fuck decided to let this guy stand on a stage? Helena Bonham Carter is nuts. Let’s go Hailee! You deserve this!

Oh god. Old guy rambling.

Melissa Leo. Ugh. Whatevah.

Wait, wut? Did she just use a curse word?


JT is Banksy. That’s funny. Also, Kunis is LOVELY. Ugh.

Some stuff I don’t care about is going on, so i took a picture of myself.

How to Train Your Dragon really was great, and I’m glad they’ve already greenlit a sequel. Good work, Garrett, giving me the heads-up on The Illusionist. But yeah…Toy Story 3 wins.


I gotta pee!


“You in there jacking off the the Academy Awards?”
“Nope. I’m blogging to the Academy Awards. But…drunkenly blogging.”
“We’ve gotta come up with a term for that.”
“Drogging. Drulogging. Drunk-logging.”


No Country reunion! If I were gay, I’d hope to be double-teamed by these two guys, in their handsome white tuxes. “Where does he work.”

What do you know? Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network. I win.



And Original Screenplay? “BECAUSE I BLOODY WELL STAMMER!”

The King’s Speech.


That percentage is starting to look pretty good, huh Bauerkemper? I just dominated the Screenplay categories.

Hey…what’s the name of the song in that Diet Coke commercial? Text me.


I really like your hair, and your face, Anne Hathaway. Also, you sing well. “I thought Australians were our allies.”

God dangit, James Franco…you rule. And Russell Brand, you’re an ass. But, that was funny.



Hawkes is really good…he was great in Winter’s Bone. Christian Bale is so crazy. Renner is cool. Ruffalo is cooler. Renner and Ruffalo will be in The Avengers together next year. Cool. G-Rush was fantastic.


The Dark Knight Returns, starring Academy Award winners Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman. Nice. Bale rags on himself…awesome. “Where da fuck is Shane?” Better shave that beard off, Christian…TDKR starts filming in May. I like that you started crying…you ARE human. Awesome.


Going to pee again.


Dang, Hugh Jackman…you are super cool. That’s a lot of Australia onstage. OH SHIT. STAR WARS THEME. I just whistled aloud in an empty room. E.T. theme…great. Moving stage…classic. God…i love good music.

I’m with a lot of people in thinking that TRON’s soundtrack shoulda been nominated…it was brilliant, and i’m STILL listening to it. But…The Social Network woulda won anyway.

Boom! “Hand Covers Bruise.”



“I am Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon away from our next to presenters. Look it up…on the internet.”

Didn’t pick a winner here. It’s whatever. No disrespect, but I wouldn’t claim to know what I’m talking about with sound design.


Am I the only person who thinks Marisa Tomei is SMOKIN’ hot?

“Alright…congratulations nerds.” Dang Franco…so funny.

Did I just hear Lord of the Rings music when Cate Blanchett was announced? Yes…now she’s tlaking about it. Cool costume, Cate.

Rick Baker. Classic. 7th Academy Award. “That’s gross.” haha


Uppp….i was wrong about the Alice in Wonderland getting shut out the rest of the night.

A friend, on Facebook chat:

“I never even saw the social network
also, if I had to pick a best director, i think it would have to be the director of Inception, because that some confusing shit!”

Obama! Pow! Kevin Spacey, who is suuuuuuuper gay, introduces some music-songs. Toy Story song.

There you are, Mandi Moore. I’ve had a crush on you for a long, long time. And, there’s Chuck. Weird.


Franco continues to dominate. I think Jake is cool, and I kinda have a huge crush on Amy Adams. Didn’t see any of these movies…duh.

I did read that the main girl in God of Love went to UNT. So, that’s cool.


Auto-Tuned Harry Potter! Auto-Tuned Toy Story! This is amazing! Auto-Tuned Social Network! God dang…this is awesome. “A billion.” Twilight parody! YES!

Documentary. Political Statements. I’m ok with this.


I guess Billy Crystal was just before my time. I’ve got nothin’ here. “Bob Hope could jump that in a golf cart.”
Gotta love RDJ. Haha…the interruption was classic. He’s probably on cocaine.

Visual Effects go to Inception. I’m very OK with this, although I didn’t pick a winner here.

EDITING! Here we go!

BOOM! BAUERKEMPER! EDITING! THE SOCIAL NETWORK! I TOLD YOU SO, YOU BASTARD! They even showed the boat race scene, like i said!



“How to Train Your Dragon…that’s disgusting.” Franco again! He’s killing!

I gotta pee while these people are playing songs. Also, Hudson look gooooooooooooo…sup girl.

Wait…Just looked at my Site Stats. Thanks to those of you following along, today is now the biggest day ever for the blog, in terms of Blog hits. Sweet.

Whoa…Paltrow looks like hell. Kinda crack-whore-ish.


Right outside the door.


Oh Christ. Celine Dion. Oh…even worse. She’s singing over a montage of dead people. Great decision. If i weren’t drunk-ish, i’d have already thrown my shoe through the tv.

Oh, how lovely, Celine. Ugh. Vomit. Nice fake tears, Halle Berry. Guess that’s not too hard when you’re an Academy Award winner.

I listen to the wind, to the wind.


Garrett texts me, “The peeing picture is a little weird. Just saying. Not really your style.” He’s probably right, but then again…meh.


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOM FUCKING HOOPER!!?!?!?!?!? NO!!!!!!!! WHAT!?!?!? NO! What a joke. Aronofsky and Fincher blew that guy out of the water. Jesus. So ridiculous.



Jeff Bridges. The Dude. He’s so damn cool. Great round of applause from the crowd. Great.
Hey…Annette Bening. The movie role is over. You can stop looking like a lesbian.
Kidman did good by leaving Tom Cruise. Keith Urban is slightly less insane.
Ohh…Jennifer Lawrence is good lookin. Mmmmm. She was GREAT in Winter’s Bone.
We all know how i feel about Portman.
Michelle Williams looks amazing. She looks…like she’s enraptured. Sincere.

Natalie Portman wins. Of course. Nailed it. She deserves the shit out of that award. Natalie, you’ve come a long way since Léon/The Professional, and I love you.


Garrett texts me his feelings about Anne Hathaway:

“She very fake and peppy. Obnoxious. Like a sorority girl who likes to get naked at the parties.”


Best Actor.

“Javier Bardem is the rich man’s Benicio del Toro.” He’s right.
“Jeff. Dude…dude.” Haha…Jeff rules, and we all know this.
Jesse Eisenberg is just whatever. Good actor, but he was just in the right place in the right time.
Colin Firth is cool as shit. He was great in A Single Man. Tears in his eyes. Love it.
James Franco is awesome. So high right now.

Colin Firth. Duh. What a humble dude. And he’s very, very cool.


God dangit…The King’s Speech better not win Best Picture. Ugh.


Jurassic Park theme to introduce Spielberg! Perfect! What a great song.

This is a great montage. Really great.

And the Winner is….


Well. Hm. Fucked that one up, BUT…i stand by my decision. I think The Social Network was better. I saw The Social Network twice, and The King’s Speech 1 and 1/2 times. I know both, and I think The Social Network was better. Don’t get me wrong though…The King’s Speech was good. But i seriously doubt we’ll be talking about it 5 years from now.

Anyway, there you have it. Your 2011 Academy Awards. I’mma finish my beer and go to bed.

Final Score: 8/12

Meh. I’ll take it. But i disagree.


One response

  1. Donna

    I was delayed in reading this blog post because I had to DVR the Oscars, and your play by play was ruining what little surprise it provided. I did want to pass on my appreciation, however, for the removal of your pee picture. I am too old for that kind of trauma. I did laugh out loud at your comment about Annette Bening, by the way. Seriously…whoever’s advising her on hair, makeup, and wardrobe should be shot. She actually looked 10 years younger as the lesbian. I totally called it on Christian Bale and Melissa Leo – called it to the mister as soon as we were exiting the theater. My only hesitation at the time was the Bale would be competing in the the best actor category, which of course would not have had the same result at all.
    And, happy belated meat day.

    March 2, 2011 at 4:52 pm

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