You’re Welcome, Humanity.

For years, mankind has tried to solve a horrifyingly genocidal riddle: How do we save our favorite planet from a world-killing asteroid that has its sights set on us?

In the MTV Movie Award-winning film Armageddon, Harry Stamper and his ragtag team of roughnecks, geologists, and brazen hillbillies descends down upon the surface of an asteroid so dastardly, Owen Wilson called it, “The scariest environment imaginable.” Their Goal: Hit 800 Feet. Then, drop a thermonuclear weapon inside the asteroid and blast it in half.

Although Stamper and his crew (well, not so much Stamper) succeeded in their mission, I’d like to propose a simpler, less ridiculous method of averting an Earth-destroying asteroid impact.

It is rumored that somewhere around the year 2020 (ten years from now…wait…nine), a massive asteroid will creep near the Earth, and depending on which of three predicted paths it takes, scientists will know whether or not it will impact the Earth on its next pass through the solar system, approximately 115 years later.

This is all hearsay, btw.

If science can successfully identify the incoming asteroid years before its alleged impact, a massive (literally, an object with lots of mass) satellite should be sent into space to rendezvous with the asteroid. Then, using thrusters, the satellite will circle the asteroid in an elliptical orbit as it approaches the Earth.

Over the course of many years, the gravitational pull of the massive satellite will alter the course of the asteroid, thus “throwing off the aim” of the asteroid, and taking Earth out of the crosshairs.

The asteroid passes harmlessly by the Earth, and we wave to it as it passes, chuckling quietly in our supreme intelligence. Then, if we feel the need, we can shoot a few nukes at it. Years later, an indebted mankind erects (ha!) a statue of me at the site of the Asteroid’s supposed impact point. The statue is of me raising my arms to the sky, palms up as if to repel a space-rock with my bare hands, and my unwavering face seems to be shouting, “STOP, ASTEROID! GO AWAY!”

You’re welcome, humanity.

P.S. I thought of this while cooking baked chicken in my kitchen.

3 responses

  1. Clay Coots

    I offer a much simpler solution, my friend. It is said that a force as minimal as the shot of a bee bee gun in space can propel the shooter for miles in the opposite direction. (I’m not certain of how many exactly. But, miles nonetheless.) In fact, the Ion Engine Propulsion System used in a good number of satellites and modern space exploration vehicles propels it’s attached vessel quite effortlessly with as much force as is offered by the weight of a single sheet of paper in Earth’s gravity. This being the case of space, it occurs to me that a single well placed thermonuclear device into the side of a blood-thirsty asteroid would send it packing into some far away system so that it may rethink it’s life’s choices, and try to be a better asteroid in the future. (personification at it’s most absurd)
    And, now, some of you naysayers are nay saying, “well what about the little pieces of asteroid that blow off the big asteroid and come towards earth?” Well, that’s the simple part. A solution even easier than launching a guided missile into space and hoping to hit an object moving at thousands of miles per hour. A solution simpler than trying to achieve an explosion in the vacuum of space! The truth of that matter is, the residing bits of asteroid guts would simply burn into oblivion promptly after entering Earth’s mighty atmosphere!

    Issue resolved.
    Two methods; Both stamped with the name Coots.
    Suck on that, all you pro-asteroid humanity haters.

    January 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

  2. Yeah, well how ’bout you just start your own damned blog.

    January 19, 2011 at 10:21 pm

  3. Clay Coots

    Ugh. No way, bro. I barely find time to read yours.

    January 20, 2011 at 9:29 am

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