The NFL Divisions: A Conspiracy Theory

When you consider the NFL and all the ins-and-outs associated, therein, the mind is often boggled. With masterminded (and bobble-headed) head coaches, sex-and-drug scandals, and attention-whore WRs (and owners), it’s easy to overlook some of the basic ridiculousies of the NFL.

The NFL is divided into two Conferences, the AFC and NFC, and these Conferences are further divided into 4 Divisions: the East, South, West, and North. And, though you may not have thought about it, these Conferences are total bullshit.

Let’s first look at the NFC.

See anything weird? Dallas is more westerdly than than St. Louis, but Dallas is in the NFC East and St. Louis is in the West. Hmm. Wouldn’t it make more sense for Dallas to be in the West? Or even in the South? It obviously has a lot to do with Jerry wanting his team to play in the media capital of the world. I suppose this Divisional alignment isn’t too bad, but check out the AFC:

THE COLTS IN THE SOUTH?!?! THE DOLPHINS IN THE EAST?!?! Pshhh. This is ridiculous. What the hell is going on here? I mean…really? There are some that are no brainers, like the Bills and Patriots in the North, or the Chargers, Raiders, and Broncos in the West, but in the words of the immortal Keyshawn Johnson, “C’mon man!”

If the Cowboys are in the East, and the Texans are in the South, something is wrong.

I call for a re-alignment! FIXIT!


Here is my proposed New NFC:

The logic is this: Dallas is more West than Minnesota, so we throw Dallas in the West and the rest of the North is a no-brainer. In the East, i figure Carolina may be more south than other places, but it’s ON THE DAMN ATLANTIC COAST! Carolina, you’re in the East. And the Rams end up being the last team in the South, by default. But really, it’s not that big a stretch…let’s be real.

The New AFC:

This one is a LITTLE bit more tricky. I went ahead and split the two teams from Texas up anyway…the logic being that Kansas City is in the West because it’s West of the Mississippi…, and part of it is in Kansas. Not exactly “The South.” And, honestly, Houston is a swamp anyway, so fuck it. And Miami? You’re in the South. Period. Yeah, i know you’re on the Atlantic; your most famous feature is called, “South Beach!” Besides, Baltimore is on the damn Atlantic too…yes, i’m counting Chesapeake Bay. Get in the East, B-More. And now the Colts are where the should have been all along: the North. Fuck Indiana.


*Editor’s Note: City Locations are “in the Ballpark.”


One response

  1. waughste

    I see what you’re saying, but not gonna happen, and shouldn’t.

    When the existing alignment was made in 2002, the NFL purposely kept the Cowboys and Dolphins east to preserve historic rivalries so extreme you don’t need to take my word for it, just ask the many football fans in New York, Philadelphia, and Washington how they feel about the Cowboys. If the NFL felt good about moving Dallas or Miami out of the east, they would have.

    Baltimore being north rather than east has much to do with the Ravens being the former Cleveland Browns, and while I can see why Indianapolis would be north, I’d also note that they are also central (which were split into north and south). The south needed someone to balance things out and it wasn’t going to be Miami.

    The real good thing about 2002 is that it did fix some geographical confusion (Atlanta, Carolina, and New Orleans were in the west while Arizona was still in the east).

    February 26, 2016 at 10:56 pm

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